Today I ate Bambi

Galatians 6:7-8

New Living Translation (NLT)

 ⁷ Don’t be misled—you cannot mock the justice of God. You will always harvest what you plant. ⁸ Those who live only to satisfy their own sinful nature will harvest decay and death from that sinful nature. But those who live to please the Spirit will harvest everlasting life from the Spirit. 

"Lord I offer my life to you, everything I've been through use it for your glory. Lord I offer my days to you lifting my praise to you as a pleasing sacrifice, Lord I offer you my life."

self·ish

: concerned excessively or exclusively with oneself : seeking or concentrating on one's own advantage, pleasure, or well-being without regard for others

I am  still awake thanks to the two cups of coffee I have consumed. I am wide awake yet I am extremely tired if that makes any sense. I have been a victim to the ME monster. At times, if not most times I am a very selfish person. Its usually all about I and me. It is hardly about anyone else. I am vulnerable to the I this and that. I I I I I I I. I can be self centered and this is not a way to live. This is harmful to my health and the health of others. 

I recently received birthday money lots of it. I found myself worrying about money and what I used it on. I found myself not willing to give freely. It was so dumb and I had to constantly remind myself that God has always provided me with the things I needed so I didn't have to worry. So every time I found myself wanting to be stingy I chose to give instead. I know that when I run out of what I have God will  replenish what I had.  If I don't have what I want at least I'll always have what I need, and that should be good enough.


Giving I have to live a life of a giver. I have to give anything I have to someone who might need it. It doesn't have to come in a materialistic form. As long as I live my life to help those God has placed there it should be a life well lived. Each day I must surrender everything I have into God's hands and trust that he will use me in great ways. I have to die to myself, put away the me monster and give freely to the people who I'm surrounded by. If I hold on to my life and everything I have I will lose it, but if I give it all to God I will gain it. 

It is time to stop being so self centered and start being God centered. Yes I will reap what sew. Whatever it is I must keep that bible verse in mind that what ever I give will eventually come back to me. When I find myself going back to my selfish ways I will embrace God's forgiveness and restart. I will put aside the I in mine, I won't give from the pocket which is required. Giving from the pocket has no meaning. No instead I will live my life to give directly from the heart. 

Psalm 119:36

New International Version (NIV)

³⁶ Turn my heart toward your statutes
   and not toward selfish gain.

A Block In The Road

James 1:2-8

New Living Translation (NLT)

Faith and Endurance

 ² Dear brothers and sisters,^[a] when troubles come your way, consider it an opportunity for great joy. ³ For you know that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. ⁴ So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be perfect and complete, needing nothing. ⁵ If you need wisdom, ask our generous God, and he will give it to you. He will not rebuke you for asking. ⁶ But when you ask him, be sure that your faith is in God alone. Do not waver, for a person with divided loyalty is as unsettled as a wave of the sea that is blown and tossed by the wind. ⁷ Such people should not expect to receive anything from the Lord. ⁸ Their loyalty is divided between God and the world, and they are unstable in everything they do.

"I cannot comprehend your love. Your heart toward me surpasses mine for you yet you love me. And I have turned away from you gone here and there and anywhere but you yet you love me. Yet you love me. With everlasting love you love me. With your loving kindness you draw me and I will run and I will stream to the goodness of God."' Everlasting Love Eternity's King

I am done confessing that I am stuck. I can only move forward because the Spirit of the Living God lives in my heart and where his spirit is I am free. So I will continue to run to the goodness of God. My relationship with him cannot be based on feeling, I'll just have to keep pressing on when things don't seem right. I will just be reminded of the verse and be patient. I will know that when I do feel stuck it will be a time where I can grow in endurance and in faith. I will continue to follow God. I will keep going down the same path and when there are so many blocks on the road, I will sit there and pray. I will try and find the reason for me being there and wait for the block to be removed. I will continue to keep searching for more of him.

I need to start waking up with anticipation. I need to anticipate that God will use me in great ways each day. I will give everything to him and trust that he will use me. If he helps me plant a seed in someones heart by just a simple smile than that is a start. If it's words of kindness or loving actions let it be. Like one of my friends said let him have his amazing way in my life. I surrender all. May God bless you today.

We should help others do what is right and build them up in the Lord. Romans 15:2

Joy and Grace

Psalm 37:23-24
The Lord directs the steps of the godly.He delights in every detail of their lives. Though they stumble they will never fall for the Lord holds them by hand.

"You are my strength, strength like no other. Strength like no other reaches to me. You are my hope, hope like no other.Hope like no other reaches to me. In the fullness of your grace in the power of your name you lift me up. You lift me up. Unfailing love, stronger than mountains deeper than oceans reaches to me. Your love oh Lord reaches to the heavens. Your faithfulness reaches to the sky." You Are My Strength Hillsong

Fellowship, something that I made every excuse not to go to. I really didn't want to go. No offense I was just super shy, and didn't think I would know anyone other than Anthony. I was skeptical when he said his church was in days inn. I was like why would it be at a hotel? Anyway I had my own "fellowship" for my church. I was doing fine. I don't know there were so many blocks when he would invite me. Would my parents even let me go? How would I get there? How would I get home? Would I know more than one person? So every week he would ask me to come and every week I would make up yet another excuse. Thank you Lord God for making him persistent. I wasn't ready just yet, the timing wasn't right. God had other things in store for me.

Soon enough my heart was shattered so I finally took the invitation and decided to go. What would it hurt? I fell in love. Fellowship was this place where I could find healing. I was so on fire for God for those couple of months. I was closer to him than ever before. I had experienced many things for the first time. I was in the best place I could possibly be. (Oh shucks happy birthday to me! I'm :( 17 12:09 June 25th, 2011 What on earth every one is still GONE!!?) Than, what happened? I got into a relationship again, with the same guy. I eventually got dumped. Then turned to another guy. You know how the story goes.

Anyway so fellowship a lot of the times was something I just took for granted. A lot of times I was stuck and I desperately wanted what I used to have. Tonight I learned a couple of things. Tonight I went to fellowship and I had this pull to pray. After a couple of moments to debate where I would pray I found a spot and started. I don't know what it was, but after a while I started crying. It felt so good to cry, I just let everything go. Every single thing that weighed heavy escaped on the tears that flowed. The more I cried the lighter I felt.

There were many times that I went to fellowship for the wrong reasons. I went there with too many distractions. Tonight I prayed that my main focus would be the only focus I should have, God. I have found that when I focus on him alone there is freedom. I felt so free. The most liberated I have felt in a long time. I thank God for his message. I want to be desperate for him. I want him to fill me up to the top with the water that won't leave me thirsty. I want to get closer to him. Now more than ever. Better now, even if it's later than never.

Oh and I wanted to thank Joyce and Grace for always always always being my ride home. I know that Piti is really out of the way from Barrigada. Thank you Mommy Grace and Ate Joyce. It means so much to me. I love you guys may God always bless you.

Proverbs 16:2
People may be pure in their own eyes, but the Lord examines their motives. Commit your actions to the Lord, and your plans will succeed."

Taking this time to out myself

Psalm 37:4
Take delight in the Lord, and he will give you your heart's desires.

Lord I'm amazed by you, how you love me. How wide, how deep, how great is your love for me.
-Amazed by Hillsong

I will find the perfect man, well as close to perfect as you can possibly get. Yes my heart is weary from the past heartbreaks, so I am done giving it away. On the love I will finally have my eyes are set. For now and for all the days to follow God will fill my void. Yes he has made and will make me complete. He will open my eyes to see and my heart yes it has finally realized he is all the love I need.

I wrote that tonight. I will be seventeen in a couple of minutes and I look back at what the past year has been like. Let me tell you it has definitely been challenging. There were many highs, but there were a lot more lows. I have been through so much and I am so grateful that God has seen me through each season.

Tonight's message really spoke to me it really touched my heart. It was all about the living water. See I have tried the living water, but there has been times when I have tried something different. I have tried a different water it was the same, the only thing different was the taste. It tasted awful, but I just ignored that thought and kept going to it. I was distracted and no matter what came up I would keep drinking the other water. I wanted to be filled with that water. The more I drank, the thirstier I got. It didn't matter I just kept drinking.

I was in a "friendship" with this boy who I loved. No kidding, I really liked this dude. I would talk to him non stop all day long even to the wee hours of the morning. I was so desperate to talk to him. I would stay up on the phone or stay up texting him until sometimes four even if I knew I had to wake up an hour later. I would go without sleep just to talk to him. I saw something so alluring and I bit it like a fish I was stuck and I was hooked. I spent a lot of time dwelling on this guy.

 I knew this wasn't the right relationship to be in. I mean every time I prayed I heard that he wasn't the one. I didn't listen of course. So I was stuck. Part of me wanted to stay where I was at and the other part was secretly waiting for someone to tell me what I was doing wrong. See relationships are good, but what you put into a relationship can be a bad thing. I was putting way too much of my life into spending time with this guy and way too less time with God. The more time away I spent the farther away my focus was.

Finally, one day I found out this guy had a girlfriend. I felt so STUPID. No joke A TOTAL IDIOT!! So I decided I would stop talking to him. That very afternoon I was talking to Arielle about my current situation. I DON'T know what convicted me to tell her that I wanted to go a year with just me and God, but I did anyway. Her reply? Why not now?! I was extremely hesitant, but I finally agreed. This was God's way of disciplining me. I was so hurt and as time passes I'm feeling better and better. I know he put all these events in order, because he loves me. I look at it now in a way where he rescued me. Yes rescued me, because temptation leads to sin and sin gives birth to death. He was just making a way for me to escape something that would eventually be very destructive. So I thank God for all that he has done for me. I thank him that no matter what goes down in life he always always loves me.

Temptation comes from our own desires, which entice us and drag us away. These desires give birth to sinful actions. And when sin is allowed to grown it gives birth to death.

Practice What I Preach

Ephesians 4:27

"for anger gives a foothold to the devil."

"Lord I come to You

Let my heart be changed, renewed

Flowing from the grace

That I found in You.

And Lord I've come to know

The weaknesses I see in me

Will be stripped away

By the power of Your love."

-Power of Your Love Hillsong

Anger heavy anger a burden literally heavy on my chest excuse the cliche, but yes it was a crushing weight. Snapping at every little thing. I have lost my cool my usual patience, yes it has become very thin. Inside I feel twisted all my thoughts twisted. Just when I believed I had it all under control blocking thoughts that used to be allowed to rent out the spaces in my mind. Thoughts I  would even invite. Just when I thought I had cut everything off that hindered the growth of my spirit. Just when I thought I would not start liking anyone. Just when I thought I had everything set. Just when I developed self control over most things. It hits me in the gut! That's just  not how things are, or at least not right at the moment. I am weak, and temptations keep hitting me on every side.

Thank you Jesus! I just remembered a lesson from fellowship what you confess you will become. No I am not weak in God I find strength. So when I feel weak I am actually strong. I am going to keep surrendering my self and all the thoughts to God every day. "I will lay everything down because Your love makes it worth it." Surrender Kim Walker Just a continued surrender, at the end of the day it's not my battle to fight, but God's. With him I will conquer. When the dam in my mind that holds lies and unwanted thoughts at bay comes down at least I know who I can go to. God has the power to rebuild the dam. I see a wall that blocks me from moving forward, but the truth is that God is bigger than that wall. It is nothing to him with him I can do all things.

I have to fix my eyes on Jesus. When I think as I often do of the "people" or "things" I have lost, I'll just have to remember that God will give me things far more magnificent than anything I have ever had. He is so much more. So when I think I am weak I'll remember that I am strong because I have God to hold me up, and fill me with his strength. This year, from now until May 9th 2012 I am going to focus on God. I am going to build a closer relationship with him. Just like I would with any other person I will spend more time with him. I will seek his presence more and his love. I will depend on him for joy. I will lean on his shoulder and cry and be comforted by his healing embrace. Just like I was pro at listening out for my cell phone, I knew exactly how it sounded even if it was far away from me, just like I was "desperate" to talk to the person who was texting me I want to learn how to know God's voice and I want to be desperate to talk to him. I want to be desperate for him. I want to rely on him alone. This year just started and it is already difficult, but like I told one of my closest friends in the past, "It may be hard, but with God it is definitely not impossible." So I'm going to do him a favor and practice what I preach.

Hebrews 10:36

New Living Translation (NLT)

³⁶ Patient endurance is what you need now, so that you will continue to do God’s will. Then you will receive all that he has promised.

My Everything

If you try to hang on to your life, you will lose it. But if you give up your life for my sake, you will save it.
Matthew 16:25

"Saviour of my soul, I worship You as God alone. Greater love has made a way to You.Open my eyes
I want to see Your glory Your glory Lord. I open my heart. I want to be closer closer to You. Here I am again. I find my strength in drawing near. You have heard the desperate cry in me" Open My Eyes Hillsong

Giving up things, so I can get my focus on God who means more to me than anything. It is a battle of letting go. Each time I start to miss something I have to let it go. I know that if they are to come back in my life they will, but for now I must focus on God's promise which is that he has something much better in store. So I must wait. I must let go completely, daily I must surrender all of me into the hands of God and let him have his way in me. Let him take control. Let him fill me to the top.

I am broken and I am weak. I constantly compare myself to others. I am not smart enough, not beautiful enough, not eloquent enough. I'm not fast enough. I don't believe I am strong enough. I have done this instead of that. I have messed up done well for a while and messed up again. I have held so many things in my heart for so long. I don't have this or that, but there is one thing that I do have. I have God. He gives me all the things I need to be me. When I have lost it all, he is sufficient for me. He will fill my mind with the truth. He tells me that I am who I am and I have my own purpose. He tells me that he will get me to the places I have not ventured to in his timing. He loves me for who I was, who I am, and who I will be. That's all that matters, so when I find myself wanting again what I had I will focus on seeking him, because in him I can find all things I need to survive. 

Joshua 1:9
...Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.

Hungry

Hebrews 10:36
You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what he has promised.

"All for love a Father gave, for only love could make a way. All for love the heavens cried for love was crucified. Oh how many times have I broken your heart, but still you forgive if only I ask? How many times have you heard me pray, draw near to me? Everything I need is you, my beginning my forever." -All For Love Hillsong

I am extremely tired, but I have made a commitment, and I have already missed one day. So I praise God because he has and is giving me the strength to stay up and endure my exhaustion.

Today my friend and I were on our way to the park when we spotted a puppy, he looked so hungry. We could see his rib cage and everything. I felt so bad so I decided to get food from my house to feed him. As I was getting the food I was thinking of the possible trouble I could get in for feeding this puppy. I could have gotten in trouble for feeding it in the first place and secondly for feeding it not scraps, but regular food straight from the table.

I realized that the puppy was symbolic to people in the world. There are people who are starving, I don't mean physically starving though. Yes those people do exist, but I mean starving for something more in their lives. There are people who are hungry and thirsty for love, forgiveness, hope, second chances, mercy, grace, healing etc. There are people who are filling that emptiness with anything they can get their hands on but it won't matter how much they intake they will never feel satisfied. They are forever hungry, forever thirsty, forever weary of searching. There are people like me who have gone down this road, weak. I want to find those people. I want to give them the bread of life. I want to show them the way, to Who will satisfy. He will fill them and truly make them whole. He will give them all they need.

It's so easy to say this, they are just words. When God calls me to act it's a different story. I begin to think of all the trouble I might get in for taking the stand. I begin to think about what people will say. I begin to fear and make excuses. I become hesitant. It will be this time where I must remind myself that I don't live for people, or their opinions. Yes they have the power to hurt me, but that's nothing compared to what God can do. Words will die away with this world, but God is eternal. So I live for God, and when things get hard and I am tested. I will trust that God will give me strength. He will give me wisdom. He will give me exactly what I need to accomplish what he has called me to do. All I have to do is give him my entire self and take that step.

I have learned that though I'm hesitant at first, when I decide to obey things aren't that bad. In all situations everything just plays out. Why? I put my trust in God and he always provides. So I will look for those who are hungry, and lead them to the right place.

Lord,
         I am just a bat resting in your hands. I will stay there, swing me where you want to swing me. I will trust that you know where to hit the balls of life so that I may get a home run. Please Lord Jesus I surrender myself use me as your messenger. Use me to fulfill the purposes you have for my life. I love you Lord so much! In Jesus name I pray Amen

Ancipation

^"1 God is our refuge and strength, always ready to help in times of trouble.² So we will not fear when earthquakes come and the mountains crumble into the sea." Psalm 46:1-2

"My Father I adore you more than anything my heart could wish for. I just want You. And Jesus my beloved Savior everything I am I owe it all to you. And Angels come and adore You and we your children worship You. You are my World. You are my God and I lay down my life for you. You are my Lord the one I love. No one could ever take your place." -You Are My World Hillsong

This morning I turned to God and just prayed putting aside all feelings. I prayed with anticipation. I prayed that God would use me today as his hands and feet. I prayed that he would allow me to be a blessing in the lives of others. I surrendered everything to him. I asked that he would reveal to me what he wanted me to read. It was then that I opened my bible to find a topic that I would write verses on. I saw three topics choices, compassion, and another c word. So I decided to go with compassion, but when I was looking for verses on compassion, I heard NO find verses on CHOICES. I listened and copied down the the chapters and verse "titles". I'm glad I did.

So an hour passed and I arrived at the summer program I'm attending. I was feeling so low and so sad. I just had this heavy feeling on me. So what did I do? Well I opened my bible and started to copy verse after verse. Praise God Hallelujah. I thank him that he gave me what to do I'm so glad I trusted in his instruction and obeyed. Every single verse hit home with its powerful message. That I shouldn't fear, because God was there for me. All I had to do was give it all up. I had to turn to his word and he would provide me with hope to keep going on. I felt so much better and I am excited to read the other verses he has blessed me with. I need to trust in him more and know with all my heart that if he says trust me and just go, that nothing bad can happen to me, because he has me in his hands. He will make every way clear for me to walk on. I had made plans to go to this really important meeting and I was really worried that the program wouldn't release me. So I was about to ask, to go when I heard no not yet ask when you finish this verse so I waited. When I went to ask my "adviser" said it was okay if I went. See, when I give all my plans to God and I ask him to have his way with them he will make sure that everything falls into place so that the events will occur. If they don't happen I'll just trust that it wasn't apart of his plan. I know that he will always have something better out there for me. I know that when he says wait it's because he's still working on things and I've learned from experience that when I get impatient and rush into things it hurts me. I've also learned that when I do wait there are many blessings in store for me. So if he tells me to go I will trust in him. If he tells me to wait, I will. In my life I pray that God's purpose will be fulfilled.

Please Lord God have your way in me. In Jesus name I pray. Amen

^"28 And we know that God causes everything to work together^[a] for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them." Romans 8:28

Nerd

1 Samuel 16:7 

But the Lord said to Samuel, “Do not look on his appearance or on the height of his stature, because I have rejected him. For the Lord sees not as man sees: man looks on the outward appearance, but the Lord looks on the heart.”

"I'm turning the world off. Embracing the silence.Walking away from all the voices that are screaming in my ear. I've been too caught up. I've been so stressed out. All of the noise replaced the whisper that used to be so clear. I'm letting my fears go giving You control for You are the one who holds me closer in my soul's darkest night. Everything I see is so temporary so help me to run the race before me with eternity in sight.
Now I close every door put my face back on the floor. And I'm in Your arms where I belong.There's no other place for me than right where You are. Some things just don't change when I call Your name You never hesitate to wrap me in endless grace when I'm in Your arms." In Your Arms Meredith Andrews

Big round frames covered in some floral print surrounding thick plastic that are supposed to help me see better. Marked as UGLY. I must dig deeper and when I get to the bottom I will dig deeper still there is always some treasure to be found in the deep. Today I got my new glasses, I need to adjust to the new prescription they hurt my eyes and make me dizzy. I have never experienced being high on anything except on life, but I have a strong feeling that I now know how it feels. I just have to put my new glasses on. When I showed them to certain people they laughed and asked what was I thinking?

That's a good question. What am I thinking? At times my thoughts are rather destructive. I'm not fighting a physical battle but a spiritual one. (Ephesians 6:12) My thoughts at times tell me that I am ugly and my actions cannot be forgiven. I know that these are lies. My self esteem can be really low and I can break down. Sure I am not perfect, but I am definitely forgiven. To tell myself that I am ugly would be a big fat lie because God created man in his own image; in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them. Therefore I am a beautiful creation called to a certain purpose, blessed with a certain gift. I have faults, but I pray that the people who are called to love me will see me with God's eyes. That even if I may mess up I am still lovable. I hope that the people in my life will be able to love me with no conditions. Most importantly I must see myself through God's eyes and love myself for my mistakes and forgive myself. Then I must love everyone else in the same way. I just hope that the more I come to God the more I will learn to love genuinely. I want to see past the shallow part of the ocean and swim deeper to find the buried treasures deep inside the people that surround me. I hope to find someone who will love me for who I am instead of how I look. I want them to search deeper. I want someone to love me even after finding out my faults. I want someone who will be kind, patient, humble, not jealous, not conceited, someone who will not give up through hard times. I want to know more about love. I want to find me. I want to know God more so that my identity will be revealed to me. I want to rely on God to find the man who will love God as much as I do, I want God to bless me with a man who looks beyond my nerdy glasses and sees my heart. As I wait I will learn true beauty and love, for now I have God he is all these things I am looking for and he will always be enough.

Song of Solomon 4:7

English Standard Version (ESV)

^7(A) You are altogether beautiful, my love;
   there is no^(B) flaw in you.

Searching for Something Priceless

John 14:16-17

New Living Translation (NLT)

¹⁶ And I will ask the Father, and he will give you another Advocate,^[a] who will never leave you. ¹⁷ He is the Holy Spirit, who leads into all truth. The world cannot receive him, because it isn’t looking for him and doesn’t recognize him. But you know him, because he lives with you now and later will be in you.

"Your Name is a strong and mighty tower. Your Name is a shelter like no other. Your Name, let the nations sing it louder. 'Cause nothing has the power to save but Your Name. Jesus, in Your Name we pray come and fill our hearts today. Lord, give us strength to live for You and glorify Your Name" -Your Name Paul Baloche 

I was looking for a pen earlier in my mom's room. It was in her room where I realized that I wouldn't be able to find anything if I didn't know what I was looking for. I wouldn't be able to find it if I didn't know where to search. Anything that I would look for would never be found if I just gave up after the first couple attempts at a search party. Nothing would be found if I wasn't desperate to find it. It wouldn't be found if I didn't understand the value of what I was looking for. See, I needed a pen. I was desperate for a pen because I needed to write my bible verses down. In my eyes it held a very high value because I really wanted to write. I knew exactly what I wanted and where to find it. Though I looked and looked and didn't find one in her room I didn't give up instead, I went to a different place to look. I finally found a pen in the living room. 

I have found that if I'm always looking for something, I will always find it. If I no longer want to have something all I have to do is give up the search. I want a relationship with God, I already have one but I want to take it to the next level. I am searching for his presence, his love, his mercy, his Holy Spirit, his forgiveness, and his guidance. (Especially his GUIDANCE) I felt that God has convicted my heart with these questions. Who are you looking for? Do you know where to search? Are you giving up because you don't find it right away? How desperate are you? How valuable is it? 

Lord help me to be desperate in my search for you. Give me the strength to keep searching even when I don't find your Holy Spirit in the first couple attempts. Lord guide me and reveal your word to me, I want to know you more. I want to be filled with your Holy Spirit, you're all that I need. Lord help me to continue to seek you all of my days. You alone are priceless. You alone will get me through this, please hold my hand so that I will know where to look. Show me which way to go. I want to follow you. I love you Lord in Jesus name I pray. Amen. 

2 Corinthians 13:14

New Living Translation (NLT)

 ^{"14 [a]}May the grace of the Lord Jesus Christ, the love of God, and the fellowship of the Holy Spirit be with you all."

Love is Patient

1 Samuel 13:8-14

New Living Translation (NLT)

⁸ Saul waited there seven days for Samuel, as Samuel had instructed him earlier, but Samuel still didn’t come. Saul realized that his troops were rapidly slipping away. ⁹ So he demanded, “Bring me the burnt offering and the peace offerings!” And Saul sacrificed the burnt offering himself. ¹⁰ Just as Saul was finishing with the burnt offering, Samuel arrived. Saul went out to meet and welcome him, ¹¹ but Samuel said, “What is this you have done?” Saul replied, “I saw my men scattering from me, and you didn’t arrive when you said you would, and the Philistines are at Micmash ready for battle. ¹² So I said, ‘The Philistines are ready to march against us at Gilgal, and I haven’t even asked for the Lord’s help!’ So I felt compelled to offer the burnt offering myself before you came.” ¹³ “How foolish!” Samuel exclaimed. “You have not kept the command the Lord your God gave you. Had you kept it, the Lord would have established your kingdom over Israel forever. ¹⁴ But now your kingdom must end, for the Lord has sought out a man after his own heart. The Lord has already appointed him to be the leader of his people, because you have not kept the Lord’s command.” 

"Lord, You take my heart away with Your love and I am willing to put on my faith in Your plan. Come and take my life. Make my soul refreshed in truth now. I am ready for You. Take my heart and make me new now. I am ready for You to come and fill my soul. Cleanse all of my mind that is not of You. Break me, teaching me how to find rest in Your hands. Come and take my life. Make my soul refreshed in truth now. Whatever it takes, I'm needing to make Your will be done and I'm letting go of my control, for I see what You've done in me." -Ready for You Kutless

"It’s not everything it seems - the world and its dreams slipping like water through my hands tonight.All the things I thought would fill me up inside left me empty here - and now I know why. All along I was looking for something else You’re something else. All along I was looking for something more You’re so much more. I finally found what I could never see before You’ve always been the one that I was looking for." All Along Remedy Drive 

For some reason today was just up and down and all around. I was so sad, I was also happy but no matter how many times I laughed or smiled today, there was an underlying sadness. I just couldn't pinpoint and still now can't pinpoint it. I prayed and prayed and prayed. I wanted to talk to my "Paul", but she was busy so I let her go and decided to take it all to God. Today I talked to him like I haven't before. I just talked to him like he was my closest friend. I just had this conversation with him where I confessed that I was scared, weak, worried, stressed, sad and so on. I told him everything that I was worried about and I asked him for his peace. I asked that he would speak to me and offer his guidance. I remember the gist of what he said. "Don't worry I know today and I knew tomorrow even before you were born. I have it in my hands. I will always get you through everything. I will take care of you." I felt so much better, it felt so good to give everything up to him so he could take it away. I decided to take a nap and again when I woke up I was sad again. So I decided to read his word. He blessed me with Samuel 13:8-14 it was honestly revealed word. 

I feel like he is speaking me. He says that he wants me to patiently wait on him. He wants my heart to be after him alone, once I build a relationship with him I can finally build one with someone else. Even if the world is throwing so many things at me, I'm not going to panic. When I am lonely, when I am sad, when thoughts invade my mind once again, when I feel like I can no longer go on...I won't panic I will wait on him and his promise for me. I will turn to him and once again lay my emotional baggage at his feet and trust he will get ridd of them. My emotions are often unstable and change but he is stable he is unchanging and he is faithful. So I will continue to wait on him. He said he has the one for me my perfect half so I will wait on him.

I will no longer act when it feels like his promise won't come to pass. I won't seek a relationship when the time isn't right. He has opened my eyes to see what it does to me. It hurts me. It makes me angry. It makes me exhausted. It breaks me apart. It has made me desperate for God and his healing power. He takes away the pain, strips me of my anger, gives me strength to get by each second, he takes me broken and puts me together. He sees the beauty when my life is a mess and loves me without a condition. I hope this year will allow me to understand his love more. I want to see everyone who has ever been nice to me or who has ever taken my heart and practically destroyed it through his eyes. I want to forgive, and I want to love. 

I thank God that he loves me so much, he is putting blocks in all the areas where a relationship with a boy can be built. He is giving me so many doors of escape when I am being tempted. He loves me, so he is protecting me. I owe it to him to wait. I want to give my life to him each day, and allow my heart to be opened to follow. He will take me to places I have never been to and when the time is finally right he'll lead me to that man. So I'll take this year to stay on the right path, get back up when I fall, ask for his forgiveness receive it when he gives it to me, keep walking and hold tight to his hand. 

"Love is patient and kind." 1 Corinthians 13:4

Trapped

" ⁷ Come quickly, Lord, and answer me, for my depression deepens.Don’t turn away from me, or I will die.⁸ Let me hear of your unfailing love each morning, for I am trusting you. Show me where to walk, for I give myself to you.⁹ Rescue me from my enemies, Lord; I run to you to hide me.¹⁰ Teach me to do your will, for you are my God. May your gracious Spirit lead me forward on a firm footing.¹¹ For the glory of your name, O Lord, preserve my life. Because of your faithfulness, bring me out of this distress.¹² In your unfailing love, silence all my enemies and destroy all my foes, for I am your servant." Psalm 143:7-12

In this perfect hour I am changed. I’ll never be the same. Help me follow You and keep in time with the sound
of heaven in me. Let me see forever with eyes You’ve opened standing in Your beautiful light.
Hold me near, hold me near to You and let me see the world through Your eyes. Hide me in Your love again
let me hear the songs of Your heart. - World Through Your Eyes Reuben Morgan

God has called me to change. In a sense I can be like the "paralyzed man" in the book of John (5:1-13). In the story Jesus asked "Would you like to get well?" and in my opinion I would probably say YES please heal me. In this certain situation, the paralyzed man answered with an excuse. I think I am like this man God is asking me would you like to be healed? My reply, it's going to be too hard. I've just started and already I want to give into temptation. I'm just too scared, I'm used to talking to boys. I'm used to seeking their love and compliments. I'm used to keeping an eye out for the "good looking" guys, the males with great personalities and so forth. I'm used to heart ache it's no biggie. I've gotten through it before I can get through it again and I so easily fall into the pattern again. This is when God replies, no Rhia my child it is not hard. I who have created everything have the power to heal you. I can do all things. Now are you ready to be well? Are you ready to change? My heart cries out yes! Yes Lord, I am I want to be transformed. Becoming someone new isn't easy and change tends to be painful, but it is eventually worth it. He says you have made the decision, you are healed. SIN NO MORE. ¹⁴ But afterward Jesus found him in the Temple and told him, “Now you are well; so stop sinning, or something even worse may happen to you.”- John 5:14

See I have set a goal one year for God alone. It hasn't been cake and ice cream. It's been a challenge! I have cut or I am working on cutting out past relationships that distracts me from God. At times I become depressed because something reminds me of a guy. My mind will be on empty and thoughts regarding said people decide to have a party in my head. When I talk to my guy friends I am tempted because of the words they say to once again fall. I feel like there are traps surrounding me and I'm the one setting them. There's a voice in the back of my head saying it's just a simple conversation. I know better, one will turn into two and two three until I'm again stuck and struggling to find a way out. Each time I look away from the goal for a split second I dig myself a deeper hole, I get stuck again. God replies, you have been healed, sin no more. It may be a "challenge", but Rhia I have provided you with my Holy Spirit who gives you the strength to endure. You will get through this. So I will surrender myself completely to God. I will allow his Holy Spirit to work in me and transform me from the inside out. I will read and write his word until the door of escape is provided and I will flee each time. He loves, cares, and understands who I am more than anyone else. May God have his perfect way in me.

" ¹² If you think you are standing strong, be careful not to fall. ¹³ The temptations in your life are no different from what others experience. And God is faithful. He will not allow the temptation to be more than you can stand. When you are tempted, he will show you a way out so that you can endure." -1 Corinthians 10:12-13

 ^"11 For the grace of God has been revealed, bringing salvation to all people. ¹² And we are instructed to turn from godless living and sinful pleasures. We should live in this evil world with wisdom, righteousness, and devotion to God, ¹³ while we look forward with hope to that wonderful day when the glory of our great God and Savior, Jesus Christ, will be revealed. ¹⁴ He gave his life to free us from every kind of sin, to cleanse us, and to make us his very own people, totally committed to doing good deeds." -Titus 2:11-14

Floating To The Top

^"13 No, dear brothers and sisters, I have not achieved it,^[a] but I focus on this one thing: Forgetting the past and looking forward to what lies ahead, ¹⁴ I press on to reach the end of the race and receive the heavenly prize for which God, through Christ Jesus, is calling us." -Philippians 3:13-14

"We stand and lift up our hands for the joy of the Lord is our strength. We bow down and worship him now. How great how awesome is he. Together we sing everyone sing, holy is the Lord God Almighty the earth is filled with his glory. He's rising up all around it's the anthem of the Lords renown." -Holy is the Lord Jonathan Lee

Thoughts they keep coming at me, unwanted. Just like an object in a salty sea resurfacing. No matter how heavy the weight is they just keep floating to the top. Attracting pain, just like a shark is attracted to blood. These thoughts like a shark want to kill, not me but more my sanity. They break me down and make me weak. I keep fighting and I'm losing. Than I realize the more energy used on fighting the thoughts strong and unstoppable like the currents, the more energy I lose. So I will do what I should do if the current pulls me out. Surrender to it and just go with the flow. I will surrender all of my thoughts to God, all of these temptations to God, after all he has made the sea. He can control these thoughts and destroy them. He can calm the storm that they cause and restore peace in me. He will lead me out of the ocean and onto his shore of protection. So I will keep in his word. I will work to keep my eyes fixed on him, his love, and his promises. I have to keep reminding myself that he LOVES me so much he doesn't want to see me hurting again. He is all that matters. I have to watch my actions. I'm sick of playing with fire, I'm sick of being vulnerable to the blazing flame that leaves me burnt time and time again. Instead I will give in to his Holy Spirit who gives me strength. I will surrender the thoughts which chain me in sorrow and seek his Spirit. For where the Spirit of the Lord is there is freedom from all of this. In God's presence there is satisfying joy and his joy is my strength.

 ^"2 When you go through deep waters, I will be with you. When you go through rivers of difficulty, you will not drown.When you walk through the fire of oppression, you will not be burned up; the flames will not consume you." Isaiah 43:2

Slow Path to Destruction

" ²³ The Lord directs the steps of the godly. He delights in every detail of their lives.²⁴ Though they stumble, they will never fall, for the Lord holds them by the hand." -Psalm 37:23-24

Hungry I come to You for I know You satisfy. I am empty but I know Your love does not run dry. So I wait for You.I'm falling on my knees offering all of me. Jesus You're all this heart is living for. Broken I run to You for Your arms are open wide. I am weary but I know Your touch restores my life." Hungry Kutless

I have been born with a God sized void in my heart. I've preached this to many people, but only tonight I have realized the importance of this void in my life. I know it's there and lately I've been filling it with anything, but God. Facebook, boys, texting etc. I have been going to certain things to fill the void. It feels great at first, but it's a slow path to destruction. No matter how much I get of a certain thing it never feels right. It leaves me emptier than when I first started. It leaves me aching, stuck in a situation that I could have so easily avoided.

I call out to God and I ask him to speak and there are two things that keep repeating. I love you and come to me. So I will accept his love I know that he is the only one who can fill it. I'm sick of trying to fill the void with things that so easily disappear, things that are so quick to change. I can put my hope in God because he never changes. He stays the same both last year and today. No matter how different the trial is he is here for me. He won't leave and he won't stop loving me because he has found someone better. He sees me as broken, messed up, he sees my faults, but he loves me anyway. He forgives my every mistake. He fills the void with a peace in knowing that no matter what my understanding is. He knows better, he's seen it all he understands it better than anyone. He's in control I don't have to worry. So when things start to get hard, when I become once again lonely and sad. I will turn to him for comfort and know that my happiness will be restored. He has me in his hands. I must remind myself that he has gotten me through it before he can do it again. So I will surrender myself completely to the maker of the heavens and the earth. I'll live my life to serve you Lord God and praise you.  One year to get to know HIM better instead of him. A relationship that won't end in heartache.

^"18Our God, no one is like you.
   We are all that is left
   of your chosen people,
   and you freely forgive
   our sin and guilt.
   You don't stay angry forever;
   you're glad to have pity
    ¹⁹and pleased to be merciful.
   You will trample on our sins
   and throw them in the sea." -Micah 7:18-19

Hidden Blessings

^"9 His wife said to him, “Are you still trying to maintain your integrity? Curse God and die.”
 ¹⁰ But Job replied, “You talk like a foolish woman. Should we accept only good things from the hand of God and never anything bad?” So in all this, Job said nothing wrong." -Job 2:9-10

"I need you Jesus to come to my rescue. Where else can I go? There's no other name by which I am saved. Won't you capture me with grace?" -Rescue Newsong

I don't know how to start the explanation of today. To summarize it I can say that God has put people in both my life and Arielle's life to help and he has put people in our lives to help. I might go on a random adventure so please be patient, this blog will definitely have a point.

This morning I was hoping that my brother would say yes to picking Arielle up so we could register for classes. He agreed. Thank you Jesus! Please bless him. We picked up Arielle who had a lot of bags because she was about to stay with her auntie. I saw that as a problem, but I just asked God that he would take care of things. Ms.Cat kept passing by and I asked her if we could store our stuff in the MPA building and she said that was fine. Thank you Jesus! May God bless all of the GCC tutors and Ms.Lila. After we stored our stuff we went to the nurse's office. When they saw me they said I would have to bring another shot card in order to get cleared. So again I left it in God's hands. I called my mom and though she was busy she dropped off my shot card and signed my documents. I forgot one more page, so my mom drove back to sign it. Praise God Hallelujah! May God bless her too. We ventured to the nurse's office where I finally got cleared. May God bless everyone who helped us out at the nurses office. I thank God that while I was hot and my slippers were killing my feet he blessed me with Arielle who had clothes and shoes for me to change into. He blessed me with hair ties and bobby pins to fix my hair. He also blessed me with Arielle who fed me all day long. May his blessings and protection be upon her. I thank the workers at winchelle's for having us there. I thank the counselors for being so kind to us and truly helping us. I thank them for making sure that everything would be taken care of. Thank you to the random people who showed us acts of kindness. Most importantly thank you Father God for making everything fall into place today. Thank you for taking care of us every step of the way. Please bless every person you put in our lives that helped us today.

Okay now to the point I have to make. It is so easy for me to be grateful when things are cherry. When things are going by so smoothly. It's easy for me to pray and truly seek God and give him praises. What about when it gets hard? What am I going to do when I come across a trial? I will pray. I know by experience that God never ever puts a trial in my life without a purpose. Yes it may be hard and I might feel like giving up, but I refuse to. I will find hope in his living word. I will talk to him and ask for his strength and guidance. I will ask him to reveal to me his purpose. I thank him for the trials that have happened in my life. Though they were difficult, they have helped me to be 110 times more dependent on God. They have instilled in my heart a stronger faith and endurance. Every trial is an opportunity for a testimony. Every trial has a hidden blessing. I understand now that sometimes when God closes doors he either wants you to stay where you're at because he needs you there or he keeps one door closed to open many other doors that will be better for me. "If through a broken heart God can bring His purposes to pass in the world, then thank Him for breaking your heart." -Oswald Chambers. I thank God for breaking my heart, if he didn't I would have never come this far in my walk. I wouldn't be the same person. So when life brings battles and I am running out of ammunition and I want to cry, I will instead sing praises to God for I know he will fight my battles for me and conquer.

^"9 But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. ¹⁰ That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong." 2 Corinthians 12:9-10

Devour

^"12 God blesses those who patiently endure testing and temptation. Afterward they will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him. ¹³ And remember, when you are being tempted, do not say, “God is tempting me.” God is never tempted to do wrong,^[a] and he never tempts anyone else. ¹⁴ Temptation comes from our own desires, which entice us and drag us away. ¹⁵ These desires give birth to sinful actions. And when sin is allowed to grow, it gives birth to death."-James 1:12-15

"Who am I that the Lord of all the earth would care to know my name, would care to feel my hurt? 

Who am I that the Bright and Morning Star would choose to light the way for my ever wandering heart? ...I am the flower quickly fading here today and gone tomorrow. A wave tossed in the ocean, vapor in the wind. Still you here me when I'm calling Lord you catch me when I'm falling and you've told me who I am. I am yours. Who am I, that the eyes that see my sin would look on me with love and watch me rise again? Who am I that the voice that calmed the sea would call out through the rain and calm the storm in me? I am yours. " -Who am I Casting Crowns

I'm pretty sure I've shared this before, but I would just like to speak about my recent experiences. So bear with me here as I repeat what I have chosen to do. I have chosen to go on a year long journey. Just me and God. He will be my main focus. Instead of putting all of my effort into finding a boy who I will be in a relationship with so that I can feel loved and happy. I will spend this year seeking God, his presence, his Holy Spirit, his LOVE, his joy, and his guidance. I want a stronger relationship with him. I want to grow in faith. I want to be closer to him than ever before. By doing that I also want to guide people to that place. A relationship with him promises that he will never break my heart. Maybe after this year I will learn genuine love, and I will stop looking for it in the wrong places. 

 

I have been the typical girl checking out guys. My eyes were huge hungry mouths searching for the sweetest candy in a world that was a candy shop.  They wanted to devour any delicious thing that they saw. My mind was the stomach they fed. Filled to the top with thoughts like dang he is HANDSOME. I have stayed up all night long texting or talking on the phone with a guy who I really liked. I have poured my life story into their ears like pots until they overflowed. I have spent hours thinking about them or what I could do to win their love. I have put so much effort into trying to make relationships and keeping them. I put so much of my life into having what I wanted a boy that would make me happy a boy that would "love" me. After all of this I have been left heartbroken. Crying...Thinking the world would never go on. ANGRY. I would put everything into poems so that I could feel better. At random, I would see something and it would remind me of that certain boy, and I would feel sad again. It would take a very long time to build a bridge and get over him. I would forgive him, and forgive myself, and ask God to forgive me for straying away. I would never forget him, just the bad memories associated with him. Never stop caring. Never stop loving, just in the right love. Then I would pick myself up again. 

This walk with Jesus is just like riding a bike. When I fall I get back on the bike and start again. If I don't and give up then and there I won't get anywhere. When I stumble tripping over worldly desires, I get up grab the hand of Jesus and try again. I can't just give up because I've messed up. I need to ask him to forgive me and then try again. Which brings me to why I have typed all of these things. Yes, I have decided to go on this year long journey, but it gets hard sometimes. It's like there are so many guys around me. You get it right? I'm being tempted to give in, but there's good news with temptation. It isn't sin, giving into temptation is sin. So for now and for the days to come I will pray for self-control over what my eyes look at and what my mind thinks. When temptation comes I won't entertain it. I won't fight it. I will flee it. I will pray and go to God's word. He's in control and that's all I need to know. 

"Make allowance for each others faults, and forgive anyone who offends you. Remember the Lord forgave you so you must forgive others." -Collosians 3:13

A Mode of Humility

^"5 God blesses those who are humble, for they will inherit the whole earth."-Matthew 5:5

"Give me your eyes for just one second.Give me your eyes so I can see everything that i keep missing.Give me your love for humanity. Give me your arms for the brokenhearted the ones that are far beyond my reach?

Give me your heart for the one's forgotten. Give me your eyes so I can see."- Give Me Your Eyes Brandon      

                                                                                                                                                    Heath

I have been to a place where I observed various personalities. An abundance of different influences, which can be a good thing and a bad thing because I am easily influenced. It was a battle of the thoughts all day long. I had to take captive anything and everything that would mar my thought process. I had to rid myself any type of judgement. I had to realize that I must humble myself. I needed to get in the mode of humility. Humility–noun the quality or condition of being humble;  modest opinion or estimate of one's own importance, rank, etc. I had to remind myself not to see the saw dust in the eye of someone else before even realizing the log in my eye. (Matthew 7:3) I knew that I was no better than the people surrounding me. At the most I was the same, I could be the same. 

So I will pray each day to see every single person that walks into my life through God's eyes. That way I will love them for whoever they are and whatever they do. If they wrong me I will forgive them. If I wrong them I will search for forgiveness and strive to make things right. I do not have the right to judge, so I will put an end to any negative thought. If there is a situation where the influence does not agree with what I believe, I hope to be the greater influence not to fight it but to flee.  

 ^"3 Don’t be selfish; don’t try to impress others. Be humble, thinking of others as better than yourselves.Don’t look out only for your own interests, but take an interest in others, too.⁵ You must have the same attitude that Christ Jesus had.⁶ Though he was God,^[a] he did not think of equality with God as something to cling to.
 ⁷ Instead, he gave up his divine privileges^[b]; he took the humble position of a slave^[c] and was born as a human being. When he appeared in human form,^{[d]  8} he humbled himself in obedience to God and died a criminal’s death on a cross.⁹ Therefore, God elevated him to the place of highest honor and gave him the name above all other names,¹⁰ that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, in heaven and on earth and under the earth,¹¹ and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father."

Philippians 2:3-11

 

Stormy Seasons

^"3 We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they help us develop endurance. ⁴ And endurance develops strength of character, and character strengthens our confident hope of salvation. ⁵ And this hope will not lead to disappointment. For we know how dearly God loves us, because he has given us the Holy Spirit to fill our hearts with his love."-Romans 5:3-5

"You are hope. You are hope, you have covered all my sin." -Forever Reign Hillsong

Hope–verb (used with object)

6.to look forward to with desire and reasonable confidence.

7.to believe, desire, or trust: I hope that my work will be satisfactory.

As I was running tonight I was trying to think of what to write. Then I realized it. Running has become slightly difficult because I have become out of shape. After about fifteen minutes I start to get tired. I want to walk because my legs begin to ache. I am unaware of the "dangers" around me because I have my ipod blasting christian music so my focus is only to put one foot in front of the other and keep moving forward. I know that if I didn't have worship songs playing I would easily notice the barking dogs trying to break free of their leashes so they could have some Rhia Adobo. I would be aware of the casting shadows and the lights that began to dim. No matter what was trying to stop me I wouldn't give up I knew that if I wanted to get somewhere I would have to endure the pain now. I know that if I worked hard now and set my eyes on the things that would become of this short trial things would eventually get easier. 

I will not put my hope in the materialistic things I will put my hope in God and his word. For when my hope is in him I can never be disappointed. He always follows through.

I know that each stormy season in my life serves a purpose. When I no longer have a phone. When certain close friendships become distant. When I'm struggling with school. When I am heartbroken. When I am hopeless and depressed. I run out of the darkness and into the light. I sprint into the arms of Jesus. The purpose of trials is so that I may become more dependent on the one who will help me finish the race. He will help me to appreciate what I have, strengthen my faith, build my endurance, and create a hope in me that cannot be destroyed. He is my hope and he will make my path straight. 

^"13 I pray that God, the source of hope, will fill you completely with joy and peace because you trust in him. Then you will overflow with confident hope through the power of the Holy Spirit." -Romans 5:13