2 Timothy 1:7
For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline.

Let everything that has breath praise the Lord.
-Let Everything That Has Breath Matt Redman

Everything I have recently come across has been pointing me in one direction. I should leave the old behind. It is leaving me bound tightly and slightly blind. The hardest thing about getting on track is that it is painful. The good thing about this short pain is that it will produce a glory that will last forever. The better thing about this pain is that in the end it will produce something fruitful.


I did not make time to read my bible today but I felt that God spoke to me anyway. This one simple thought played gently over and over again, lay your addiction down. In the Bible he often speaks about how jealous he is. It says that you cannot serve two masters. By giving into this "addiction" I have made it like an idol. This situation is restricting me from genuine worship. How can I focus on Jesus whom I love so much when my mind is constantly focused on someone else?

Forgive my mistakes spell check is absent

³² But we had to celebrate and be glad, because this brother of yours was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found.’”
Luke 12:32

Broken I run to You
For Your arms are open wide
I am weary but I know Your touch
Restores my life

So I wait for You
So I wait for You

I’m falling
I’m falling for You
Jesus You’re all
This heart is living for
Hungry- Kuttless

I don't exactly like where I am right now. I feel unsatisfied. I am scared and I am longing for more. I am longing for a freshness. I am longing for one touch. I am longing for some sort of transformation. I am tired of walking through life like everything is dark and confusing. It feels so empty and aimless sometimes. I am afraid that life has no purpose. I have no idea where I am heading.

Earlier I was praying and I felt comforted. In the silence I heard God speak. He said I will not let you go. I will never let you go. Remember that nothing at all could ever seperate you from my love. I just felt this warm embrace like wash over me. I felt at peace. He gave me Luke 12 to read. It's a really good read.

Anyway Luke 12 is all about Jesus talking to the Pharisees. He talked about how if even one lost sheep, or one lost coin, or a lost son were found how the angels would rejoice. He talked about how desperately someone would go out to look for whatever was lost because he or she loved the person or thing very much.

One of the stories tells about this son who wanted all of his inheritence.  So his dad gave it to him. The son then went out and spent all of his inheritence on parties and prostitutes. He eventually went broke and got hired to feed pigs. He was starving and realized that if he could just work for his dad at least he would have something to eat. He struggled to get home. When his dad saw him off in the distance he ran to his son. He embraced with genuine love. The son then goes dad forgive me I have sinned against heaven and you. The father was overcome with so much joy, love and compassion that his son came back that he threw him a party.

See God will allow me to make my own mistakes. He loves me enough to take me back. He rejoices when I come back to him.

In a way I was kind of like the son. I went off and did my own thing. The more I continued the more I felt unsatisfied, but I take heart in knowing that God isn't going to let me go. He still loves me and his arms are wide open to embrace me when I come running back to him.


"My soul faints with longing for your salvation, but I have put my hope in your word."
Psalm 119:81

ehh

I would like to apprise you that I can no longer wait for you. The pain of loosing you feels like the sore, aching, stinging, and throbbing pain that one might feel after getting her teeth yanked out without any form of numbing medication. I will become an annoying caterwaul for the next couple of days submerging myself in my tears and hoping that they will wash all the hurt away. Talking to you implies that I have condescended from my virtues. It's funny what love can do to a person.  I will not cozen you. I will tell you the truth, I don't want to talk to you anymore. I should have listened to the inner voice that told me to ignore you. Maybe then I wouldn't be stuck in this morass which acts like a rope cutting into the flesh. I feel like I can't escape the bondage. The more I struggle the deeper the rope digs into my skin. I am stuck and I actually like it here. I have become comfortable with my faults and I don't want to leave because deep down inside I don't ever want to leave you. Every time I try to run away I am drawn back to you like a mouse to the cheese on a mouse trap. Yet staying here causes so much melee in my life. I feel like I walk through every dark day with no purpose and it deepens my depression.My hope is as miniscule as a mustard seed and I don't know when I will become that sanguine girl again.

Aimless Walk

Jesus replied, "I am the bread of life. Whoever comes to me will never be hungry again. Whoever believes in me will never be thirsty.
John 6:35


I have a Maker
He formed my heart
Before even time began
My life was in his hands
[ Lyrics from: http://www.lyricsmode.com/lyrics/t/tommy_walker/he_knows_my_name.html ]
I have a Father
He calls me His own
He'll never leave me
No matter where I go

He knows my name
He knows my every thought
He sees each tear that falls
And He hears me when I call
He knows my name- Tommy Walker

There is this thing deep inside of me that is longing for more. I'm going day by day more and more unsatisfied. Today I watched this youtube video about priorities. It drove me completely nuts by the way. It was just this cartoon doing the same thing over and over again. He would walk to the bookshelf, then to a table  behind him, kneel down next to a box, and then sit at a desk. This cycle would repeat for a good two minutes. It was absolutely redundant but it made its point. After a while you see Jesus just sitting and waiting for the dude. Angels are behind him first one tries to get his attention and then the other one goes wait let's not bother him Jesus is waiting on the dude. It made me realize the reason for this longing deep inside of me.

It makes me think really hard. When was the last time I sat down and really just spent some quality time with God. I mean good quality time with him. Time with him without any distractions. Time with him without worries. Most of the time when I am trying to spend time with him my eyes are going over words, or my ears are hearing, or my mouth is singing but my heart is in a whole different place. I think the video I watched today was God's reminder to me that I should take time to do absolutely nothing but focus on God.

I need to find his light because lately life has been an aimless walk down a dark dark dark path. I want him to shine his light on me to show others that there is hope. Anyway, God helps those who help themselves so it has to start with me making time for him. I'll see where this goes and I'll follow the one who is the source of happiness when life hits me hard with lows.

Psalm 39:7 

New Living Translation (NLT)  

7 And so, Lord, where do I put my hope? My only hope is in you.