Paused not stopped.

The past two months have been really hard on my family. After we came back from an amazing three week vacation in the Philippines, my dad stayed a week on island, then went off island for another two weeks. He had training for the Air Force. When he came home he started to get sick . There was some anxiety in the uncertainty of what was going on with him. Eventually we found out that he had a skin infection that was only made worse by the wrong antibiotics. The heavy load of antibiotics caused him to have MRSA. When they diagnosed it they gave him the right antibiotics and he started to get better, so they released him from the hospital. However, when he returned for a follow up he was re-admitted because the oral antibiotics weren't working. Then he had to have surgery.

When it finally looked like we were out of the woods and trying to get into a groove. My Mama (my grandma) started to get sick. Then we found out she actually had a progressive stroke. So now as a whole family we had to figure out how to shift focus and take care of Mama (who we are used to being so independent.) All this to say my family was going through the wringer like when we finally stood up we were knocked down. 

Personally, I was struggling to stay afloat. I was just trying to help out where I could wherever I could. Hold it together, as to not worry anyone further. But inside I don't know. I can't even explain it. There were moments where I just wanted to go into a corner by myself and cry. My heart was hurting for everyone. There was so many things going on around me with my family and other people close to me and I was trying hard to internalize everything. And smile. 

But you know what I refused to do? I refused to stop praising and loving Jesus. If I was going to worship him through tears I was going to worship him through tears. I knew that I knew that I knew that Jesus, JESUS was still on the throne. That Jesus never stops loving. That even, EVEN when it looked like everything was falling apart around me, I knew that Jesus was holding it all together. Our God is an awesome God!! He is providential, we only see a piece and he sees the whole thing. When we are broken, he is near to us. When we cry out, he hears us. When we are feeling hopeless, he is our hope! He generously provides our needs. And I mean generously! And I will keep praising him, because he is WORTHY. 

So let me give you a sneak peak of these past three days........To let you in on the GOODNESS of God. 

Monday:
I woke up and checked my phone. There were new emails, so I checked them. I had an email from ETS that my score report was in. With the crushing weight of anxiety on my chest, I typed ets.org into Safari, then I signed in to my account, and saw in big and bold that I passed the Praxis 2. I passed the Praxis 2!! The first time! For those of you who are not Education majors, maybe you'll read over this, so let me explain to you the craziness of this test. I am an Elementary Ed major. So our content test covers Reading, Math, Science, and Social Studies. The range of questions are wide and varied. The test is $120 dollars. A lot of people don't pass the first, second, but maybe the third is the charm, because this test is DIFFICULT! Okay? Like imagine the questions could be anything about Reading, Math, Science, or Social Studies....... Are you starting to feel the stress? This is not to brag about passing the first time. This is to brag about GOD! My church had a month of fasting in February. One of my specific prayer requests was to pass the test the first time. So my prayer request card got prayed over multiple times and by different people. I took the test in early march and I wasn't sure I passed because the test was crazy and I wasn't confident. I didn't get what all my other friends got which was their raw score at the end. I got an NS. So I had to wait a whole month for my scores to get to me. Imagine how sweet it was to see PASSED after a whole month of waiting. With God everything is possible, even a seemingly insurmountable feat like passing passing the Praxis 2 Elementary Content. 

Tuesday:
Yesterday was Rhenae's 16th birthday. First I went with my mom to AHES for Sarah's award ceremony. She got the platinum award which means she scored 100s on her Reading and Math in the ACT ASPIRE test as well as showed readiness in all of the categories. Then we went around the island looking for decorations for Nae's dinner to surprise her. We found a store that had Monsters University STUFF! Score! Nae's dinner comes we have a blast. She's surprised and happy. She gets this epic cake and super awesome cupcakes. Everyone is having a good time. My boyfriend is acting weird all night and making me nervous. He keeps checking his phone which is out of character. And he looks nervous and stuff which makes me nervous. We leave. Drop Lauren home and then head home. He stays a little and then says he has to go to get Nae's last big surprise gift. Comes back half an hour later and waiting by the door is my baby sister Chely! CHELY!!! My family is over joyed at her return even if for a short while. It's such a contrast from what we've been holding on our shoulders. 

Thanks to everyone who helped out in getting Chely home. Praise Jesus! We're just going to soak up every single minute we have with her. Words can't even begin to express how blessed we are right now. 

When the lights go off in the theater. The play is on pause it hasn't stopped. There are people backstage preparing to bring more to the stage. Just because things look dim doesn't mean God's stopped. He's paused and he's preparing to bring things to the front of the stage of your life. Keep keeping on. Keep your hand to that plow. Praise Him especially when things are looking like hell has broken loose and when you praise heaven will come down! And heave has surely been coming down these past two days. Blessings just keep falling. SO THANK YOU JESUS!! I love you so much!!!

19 So if you are suffering in a manner that pleases God, keep on doing what is right, and trust your lives to the God who created you, for he will never fail you.
1 Peter 4:19

Based on The Unforgiving Debtor

Can you see Him?
Arms stretched out on
That cross
Hands nailed
Feet nailed
Sin nailed
To Him
Yes He
Personally
Carried the weight of the
World's sins in Him
So that sin died
So that we could be dead
To sin
Can you see Him?
He died for you He
Died for me
He forgave
He forgives
He gave us life by
Dying on that cross
The atonement for all sin
He took the darkness upon Him
So that when He came back to life
After those three days
His life could
and His Light could live
In us
His light
His way
He forgives so graciously
He is MERCIFUL
He gives us
a million second chances
Each day a new chance
A million yeses to forgive me
At the days end
He chooses to
Remember our wrongs
No more
So how is it that,
WE, we who live for him
Find it so hard to let go
And forgive our neighbor
For something so little
How can we harbor
Hatred bitterness and anger
When the One who died for us
The One who sends our wrongs
So far from east to west
That he no longer remembers them
He no longer dwells on them
How is it that we can be unforgiving
When our savior
Is the definition of forgiveness
The next time
You find yourself
Wanting to hold on to the
Thorny list of wrongs
Your neighbor has done to you
Remember that your never ending list
Has been forever erased
When He
Was
Crucified
On that cross
Out of love
So forever you'd be forgiven
You were set free
You were redeemed
So do the same for your neighbor
Live for and live like Jesus your Savior

Keep Afloat and Write "Deadlier"

Quiet
Not that I choose
To keep
Lips sewn shut
I just don't
know what to say
Don't have the words
To say
Too many words to say
One question
What do I say
In return to
What you are saying
In shock
Tongue locked tighter
And so much tighter behind teeth
I come off as careless
I wish I could care less
But you see I can't
Silence is deadly
But don't be deceived
By what is shown outwardly
Though my face is emotionless as stone
Inwardly I'm searching
Inwardly I'm digging deep
Inwardly I'm solving
This equation of words
One question
What do I say
What do I say
When words are so deep
And all I have to offer are shallow
Responses
What do I say when messages
Are deeper
Deeper than
What I see on the surface
What do I say to the person
Who is inwardly doing the same
Inwardly searching
Inwardly digging deep
Inwardly solving equations of words
Inwardly just the same
Screaming for
The other party
To receive the message
Silence is deadly
But saying the wrong
Words and the wrong
Time is deadlier

Seek Him in the in between

Psalm 32:8 The Lord says, " I will show you the best pathway for your life. I will advise you and watch over you."

Not because I have to
Just because I want to
Be with YOU Lord Jesus
You're the one I love

You are my hearts desire
My love for you's like fire
I can't contain it
I can't explain it

But I am not mistaken
I love to worship YOU

I haven't gone running in a while. Anyway when I run I don't like to carry anything. At most I'll carry my phone but other than that I don't carry much. It gets hard to run when I'm holding all this junk. In Luke 14:33 it says so you cannot become my disciple without giving up everything you own. If there could be an ultimate place to run to I'd say the place where God is would be the best. I want to run to God. It would be easier to run if I no longer held onto everything.

I mean think of it if he says let go of something  why should I let it become something so hard. Obviously if he tells me to let go of something it's for my best interest. Giving. Why should I hold back when I am called to give something, even if it's all I have. Everything belongs to God and I know at the very moment when I need something he will just return it back to me maybe even seven fold.

Am I afraid to do something? I shouldn't be afraid. God has given me a spirit of power, love, and self-discipline. I should never again let my fear have any control over me. If I am scared to do something, I am going to go in AFRAID and I am going to trust that God is going to get me out safely.

What else is there? Purity. Purity exists! I am going to make my standards high and I refuse to lower them ever again. There is some guy out there or maybe he's right in front of my face who believes that purity exists too. There is a guy whom God has promised to allow me to be with and this guy loves JESUS. He loves Jesus with all his heart. I will be patient and wait expectantly. I will not rush into anything on my own will because I know that it will end in an epic fail after an epic fail.

I I I I I I I I no more of that word I  I I I I as in I will not rely on myself or anything of me to get things done rather I will rely on what God can do through me. I will no longer limit him because my God is limitless. I want to go to God in prayer and rest easy knowing that he is in control and he will always take care of me. God is good and he will always remain good.

So I am going to run after him. I want to seek him in the in between. I want to seek him always. I want to share this blessing with anyone who will listen. I want to be a young lady after God's heart and I'm just going to go wherever he takes me knowing that wherever I am in life and whatever I'm doing is where and what he needs me to be and do. That made no sense at all, but whatever. Haha I'm just down.

If God calls you to do something. Do not fear just go. He will be with you and you will be blessed with something you haven't had before.

"This life I live is not my own. I'm saved by grace and grace alone." Saving Power by Generation Unleashed

MSG

⁸Something completed is better
   than something just begun;
Ecclesiastes 7:8

Blessed be Your name
When the sun's shining down on me
When the world's 'all as it should be'
Blessed be Your name

Blessed be Your name
On the road marked with suffering
Though there's pain in the offering
Blessed be Your name

Every blessing You pour out
I'll turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say

Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name

Blessed Be Your Name- Matt Redman

All day today I have felt this emptiness. I have felt this longing for something more. It felt like nothing could satisfy this longing. I don't think it was all the MSG I consumed at the restaurant we ate at. It was something deeper. Sometimes I feel all alone even when I am surrounded by a million people. Sometimes I don't feel like I belong here. Sometimes I want some company. Sometimes I think that I can't focus. I get so easily distracted.

While I feel all of these things I know God speaks to me. He says that He is always with me, so I will never truly be alone. He can fill this longing with His love. His love can satisfy this longing I have in my heart. I just  need to trust in Him. I have to allow Him to have my heart. I think that I can't concentrate then He comes in and says yes you can. One of the fruits of the Holy Spirit is self control and My Spirit lives in you.

I pray for revelation and each new day He reveals something to me.

What's a relationship with a boy when compared to a relationship with my Savior? It cannot compare. His plan for my life was already completed before I was born. So why would I taint it with my own desires? Why would I stop His plan from unfolding by going off and doing my own thing? Why would I give up eternal happiness for the ephemeral joy that has just started?

I shouldn't, but to be honest I am. I am struggling. I am distracted. I have to, oh I don't know. I have to stop relying on my own strength. It only ends up in epic fail after epic fail. I need to get so focused on God that nothing else that pops up in my face will bother me. I can do this with His strength. I just have to believe with ALL my heart that this is possible.

If I focus on God and count everything else as lost, He will let everything else fall into place. I have been distracted, distracted for too long. It's time to get my tunnel vision on. I know that I know that I know that I know that God loves me. I know He hasn't just been asking me to come back, He has been pleading with me to come back. Why? Well because He loves me. He does not like to see me being mistreated. He does not like seeing me hurt. He wants the best for me and I can only receive all that He has for me if I let go of what I've been holding on to.

My mind screams, how on earth do I do this?!?!?!?!?!?!?! I fall into the arms of my Father. I will trust Him. I will wait on Him. He will bless me with what I need to endure and conquer this. Whatever happens He is in control. I just have to surrender it all to Him. I will trust where He takes me I will follow Him wherever He decides to go.His timing is perfect.

You saw me before I was born.
    Every day of my life was recorded in your book.
Every moment was laid out
    before a single day had passed.
 Psalm 139:16

I trust in God. There's a time for everything.

Don’t let the excitement of youth cause you to forget your Creator. Honor him in your youth 
Ecclesiastes 12:1

We pray for blessings
We pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering
All the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things

'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

Blessings by Laura Story


Oh man! Today was just an AMAZING day. I couldn't get over how wonderful it was. I kept telling myself that nothing NOTHING would be able to ruin it. I was just so incredibly happy. I could not get over how happy I was. 


This morning I woke up super early, too early in fact. I woke up at 5:30 to make bread so that I could ask my best friend to prom. (He said yes btw. It just added to my already fantastic morning.) So yeah, I was in the kitchen making dough praying that God would help me because it just was not working with me. He answered my prayer because it turned out pretty good. I had so much dough left over after I made Rosco's stuff, so I decided to make bread for my friends who I couldn't find. I made dinosaurs. I'll make more for them later. So I was like praise Jesus thank you for allowing the bread to turn out well and for allowing me to finish this on time. 


Then in fourth I didn't have anywhere to put my stuff so I decided just to stay and do peer support. I didn't really want to go to the class that was assigned to me but I went anyway. I just trusted that God had a purpose for me to be there. Oh dear His purpose was so great! I took out my Bible and started to read the book of Ecclesiastes. The boy next to me asked me if I was reading a dictionary. I said no actually this is my Bible. I couldn't help but find that funny. So I was just like sitting there wondering what I should do. I started asking about what they did in this class and slowly worked my way to talk about the importance of Easter. I talked about how we should focus not on the death of Jesus but that we should focus on the fact that He is alive. I said we should be happy that while we were still sinners He loved us enough to die for us. I was slightly worried that what I was saying was going over his head. He looked sorta uninterested in what I had to say. So I sat back and prayed that something I said would have stuck in his heart. Then I went back to reading my Bible and he asked me if he could see it. I was like sure!  I said he should read the book of Matthew. After class he asked if he could borrow my Bible and I was like umm how about I bring you one after spring break?  

Anyway rewind to fourth period again. The teacher was like so Rhia are you religious? I responded with hesitance. I said I wouldn't say religious, I have a relationship with God. He said me too, but my relationship with God is through music. It was pretty cool. He proceeded to showing me videos of this worship group. They sing really old songs, but beautiful songs. :) So I left and went back to Mr.Diego and said Sir, the class you put me in is such a blessing. My heart is so open and filled with so much love for the students in that class. 


I hope God will continue to guide me in that class. 


All day today I just kept thinking about how good it was going. I was even thinking about how nice last night was. My cousins finally came back home. Holidays were so stale without them. There was a lack of excitement that comes from many children under one roof. So I had a lot of fun getting to hang out with them. 


Fast forward to today. Fifth and sixth went by so quickly. I also made time to read my Bible. I was trying to look on the bright side of things. Even if I had to man a recycling station it was still okay. It was hot but I had my hat and sun block to protect me. Oh and it was windy! So it wasn't horrible. Then it rained, but it was still okay. Rain is a blessing. 


Something else came up that bothered me, but I wasn't going to let that get me down either. I wasn't willing to let ANYTHING and I mean anything get me down. I just kept repeating what my pastor said, a disciple of Jesus will not dwell on her past, her failures, or entertain negativity. 


So yeah, my day was going terrific. Then I came back to where I put my bags down and the bag that held my Bible disappeared. I was freaking out. It was so.......AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! What the?! I might have overreacted., I mean....c'mon! Seriously? Steal anything that belongs to me, but DO NOT take my Bible. I always said the only thing valuable in my bags is my Bible and if anyone steals that then they really need the Bible. I had to sit and calm myself down. Then this thought occurred to me, everything that was lost can be replaced. Everything should count as nothing when it comes to knowing Christ. So yes I may have lost my decked out Bible, but it's okay. I know God is going to provide me with another one. I know that everything that happens in life is for a purpose. Even though all these worries were screaming in my ears they didn't really matter after awhile because I know that I know that I know that God will provide, he is Jehovah Jireh, our Provider and I will trust in him. 

Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

New Living Translation (NLT)

A Time for Everything

3 For everything there is a season,
    a time for every activity under heaven.
² A time to be born and a time to die.
    A time to plant and a time to harvest.
³ A time to kill and a time to heal.
    A time to tear down and a time to build up.
⁴ A time to cry and a time to laugh.
    A time to grieve and a time to dance.
⁵ A time to scatter stones and a time to gather stones.
    A time to embrace and a time to turn away.
⁶ A time to search and a time to quit searching.
    A time to keep and a time to throw away.
⁷ A time to tear and a time to mend.
    A time to be quiet and a time to speak.
⁸ A time to love and a time to hate.
    A time for war and a time for peace.

Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

Happy Independence Day Rhia!

Ephesians 2:10
For we are God's masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago.

Who will love me for me
Not for what I have done or what I will become
Who will love me for me
Cause nobody has shown me what love
What love really means
I will love you for you
Not for what you have done or what you will become
I will love you for you
I will give you the love
The love that you never knew
Love Me by JJ Heller

Love. What does love really mean? Can I truly grasp it? Maybe I should pray that I will understand the concept of love.

Lately it seems I have been longing for love. Longing for love from anyone who would offer it to me. I think I've been looking for it in all the wrong places? I mean why would I give my all to something ie facebook or someone ie a boy when Jesus has this love to offer me. This love that is so much greater than the love that anything or anyone can offer. I don't know why I rush into these situations out of desperation when I am left feeling empty time and time again. The truth is nothing could ever fill the void in my heart like Jesus does. So the question lingers, why is it that I am neglecting my first love? Why is he at the bottom of my priority list?

I have this fear that I will walk away from my faith. Recently when I go to church or fellowship it's like once I'm sitting there I just want to bust out of the doors. It's like what Jeremy said maybe my soul is battling with my flesh. The thing that freaks me out the most is that it was never like that. I used to be so excited to go to fellowship. Like I would drop everything if I could go to fellowship. Maybe it's my fault, after all I've been letting the things of this world grasp my attention so long that I have lost sight of my first love. Maybe I have forgotten what it was like to just be submerged in God's love when my focus was on him and only him.

My pastor brought up this thing the other day. What if God takes away the things in my life that take my attention away from him? Then it hit me. Will it really take something drastic like another heartbreak to get my focus on God again? Why not prevent that by spending time with him now? Why not make time for him now before he disciplines me. I may not feel like doing what I've wanted to do but like I was taught I don't worship by feeling it's all about faith. So I am going to push through these trials. I may be taking baby steps but at least I will be making progress.

I am so glad that we are doing bible study every other day now. I have more friends to keep me accountable. I have more people that I can pray with and for. Oh and they can pray for me too. I praise God for these people who will pick me up when I fall on my face and run the race of faith with me.

No apologies
For who I'm meant to be
The only thing that matters is
I am free
When I am overwhelmed
Holding pieces of my heart
When I feel my world
Start to fall apart

To the cross I run
Holding high my chains undone
Now I am finally free
Free to be what I've become
Undone
Undone by Mercy Me