Waiting

Our hearts ache, but we always have joy. We are poor but we give spiritual riches to others. We own nothing and yet we have everything.
2 Corinthians 6:10

"Lord I give you my heart. I give you my soul. I live for you alone. Every breath that I take every moment I'm awake, Lord have your way in me."

Today I woke up with this painful sadness lurking deep inside. Once again I had no real reason to feel this way. I decided early on that I was going to shake the sadness and go about my day with an anticipation that the day would be so much better.

After fourth I was just hit hard with this absolute joy. I was given so much energy. I've been lacking that lately. I felt so complete. I felt satisfied finally. I was extremely thankful because I was able to sing again. I've been sick for a while and my voice has been out of whack. I was jumping around and dancing. I had many genuine smiles on my face today. I just wanted to share my new found happiness with anyone I came across. God has really been listening to my prayers.

He filled me with his love and closed the gigantic void in my heart. After school I was waiting for my ride. Everyone left so I was alone and it was dark and gloomy. I was starting to freak out but I silenced my fears. I knew that even though all the people were gone God's presence still surrounded me. In his presence I find protection and peace.

If you feel like what you are asking for will never come just wait on the Lord and you will most definitely receive it.

Random but Lovely

Psalm 62

For Jeduthun, the choir director: A psalm of David.

 ¹ I wait quietly before God,
      for my victory comes from him.
 ² He alone is my rock and my salvation,
      my fortress where I will never be shaken

I am starting to shift from stuck to getting back where I used to be. God has answered my prayers. I know he is taking that burnt out candle and setting it ablaze again. I am slowly but surely becoming once again on fire for God. He has blessed me with so much revelation and I praise him for it.

So far this week I have realized that he is here. He is always here with me. He never never never leaves my side. Even when I am screaming for help and I find that he is silent he is still there. He listens because he loves me.

I have learned that the more I seek him the more I find him and delight in his presence. I learned that making time for him in the morning sets me up for a pretty good day.

I have messed up this week but he has helped me bounce back again.

I know he is doing something deep within me. He is setting me free from certain bondage. He is breaking all the chains. He is changing things for my benefit. All I had to do was surrender.

When I have felt down he has sent me people to cheer me up. Just earlier I was feeling discouraged until I read my friends blog. He described me as a guardian angel. As I read what he wrote I started to cry. ( And I DO not cry easily) I don't view myself that way and hardly realize the effect I have on people. His statement really humbled me and brought a huge smile to my face.

I have this lanyard that my best friend Arielle gave to me. It used to have a lot of sentimental junk on it and pins covered all the I love Jesus'. I was convicted one day to take all of that stuff off so I did. There was a purpose in doing that. Since now there is only my bottle on the lanyard people have been stopping to ask me why on earth do I carry a bottle around my neck. So I have had many opportunities to explain to them what my symbol means.

This is how it usually goes. This is not trash. This is a symbol. I attended a one week camp this summer. The theme of camp was H2O hence the water bottle. So when you come to God and accept his son as your Lord and Savior you become a new person. You empty out your old self and come to God each day so that he can fill you with the living water which is the Holy Spirit. Also our names are crossed off and Jesus name is written because when we accept Jesus as our Lord and Savior God no longer sees us and all of our junk but he sees his son who is pure.

Today I don't know what I was doing. I don't even know how I ended up in front of my friend. Anyway he said I already know that I am going to hell. I was shocked. I said no no no you are not! What surprised me was that on the way to school I just read Romans 10 and that chapter was all about salvation. So after I explained to him what my bottle meant I talked to him about salvation. I told him that if he believed in Jesus that all his sins from yesterday today and tomorrow are forgiven. I told him that God was a God of first second third a multitude of chances. Then I read him Romans 10. I hoped that helped.

Before I went all preacher on my friend I went to find a rock okay two rocks. In the bus before I read my bible I read this devotional about God being my rock. It instructed me to put a rock in my pocket as a reminder. So I went on a search for a rock. After I picked up both rocks I stood up and saw the looks on these people's faces. Their looks pretty much said dude this girl is a freak! I just stood there and boldly explained to them the reason I picked up the rocks. I don't know what came over me. Usually I'm afraid of being judged but at that moment I didn't care.

Call me a freak. I am one. A JESUS freak! I live for him and no ones smirks snide comments or laughter will stop me from living for him. I love him. In the end their judgement won't put a dent into anything. Their words will die away with them. The only thing that will matter is how God will judge me. What would he say if I was too scared to stand for him?

I'm glad that God is working in my life. I know that every single up and down has a purpose. I will trust him. WORD.

Oh here I'll share this poem I wrote when I was feeling really out of it earlier today. Hope you enjoy.

I sit down in a chair and I am over come with a feeling of depression. Think of the world without a single light. It is freezing cold and I am lacking the essentials of life. A terrorist attack to the heart as anger explodes from within bringing me down. The next place they strike is my unprotected mind. They strap millions of bombs to every brain cell and blast my security away. I am left freaking out wondering what could possibly happen next. On every piece of debris that scatter are lies attached with a bond greater than gorilla glue. My mind is now a heaping mess of doubt and the sad thing is no one is around to hear my shout for help. My SOS goes unanswered. So I thought. This is not a physical attack but one that is spiritual. These warriors take me in chains but I laugh at them because the God I live for will conquer this internal battle that kills me day after day. He breaks the chains and restores my heart and mind. His light penetrates the darkness surrounding me with his love. He puts me up on a high rock. No one can touch me in his place of safety. He defeats all my enemies who tried to destroy me. Little did they know that I stand with confidence in my God because I know he always wins. WORD!

Romans 10:9-10
⁹ If you confess with your mouth that Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved. ¹⁰ For it is by believing in your heart that you are made right with God, and it is by confessing with your mouth that you are saved. 

Tear Stained Face

Psalm 56:8

New Living Translation (NLT)

 ⁸ You keep track of all my sorrows.^[a]
      You have collected all my tears in your bottle.
      You have recorded each one in your book.

I don't know if it is just me but I find it hard to cry. I get all sad at times but it takes a lot to make me cry. It takes a lot of holding everything in to make me cry. I feel I have to hide everything in. I feel like I have to hide it. I want the tears to come but they never answer my call. I try my best to smile and be joyful and you know 99.9% of the time that joy is a genuine joy. Most of the time my smiles are real. Jesus knows better though. He sees that deep deep deep deep deep down under there is all this junk that I hold. He sees the things I have been trying to ignore. He sees all the things I have been trying to hide. He sees all of that and he speaks. You don't have to hold onto all of that anymore. I care for you let me take them from you. Let me take all that from you. You don't need to pretend anymore. You don't need to battle with that anymore. Let me take it from you.

Last night I cried. This morning I cried. It was in the middle of tearing and balling. I cried from piti to yigo. It usually takes a lot to make me cry. I know when I am filled with the holy spirit because the tears come so easily. I pleaded with God and came to him full of repentance. Each day he brings revelation. He allowed every sin every bit of pain bitterness hatred jealousy and anger to exit on my tears. When I was done I pictured him catching every tear. Then I heard him say that's enough wipe your tears. I have heard your prayers. When I got out of my car I experienced an overwhelming peace and lightness.

It is okay to cry. I don't need to hold on when the very thing God is telling me to is let go. He is in control. He is in control. He is in control and he catches everyone of my tears. He washes my tear stained face and trades me sorrows for his joy.

A Beautiful Coat

1 Thessalonians 4:7

New Living Translation (NLT)

⁷ God has called us to live holy lives, not impure lives.

Colossians 3:8

New Living Translation (NLT)

⁸ But now is the time to get rid of anger, rage, malicious behavior, slander, and dirty language.

Colossians 3:8

New Living Translation (NLT)

⁸ But now is the time to get rid of anger, rage, malicious behavior, slander, and dirty language.

re·pent·ance

 [ri-pen-tns, -pen-tuhns] Show IPA

noun

1.

deep sorrow, compunction, or contrition for a past sin, wrongdoing, or the like.

2.

regret for any past action.

 

"You hold my every moment. You calm my raging seas. You walk with me through fire and heal all my disease. I trust in you. I trust in you. I believe you're my healer. I believe you are all I need. I believe you're my portion. I believe you're more than enough for me. Jesus you're all I need.Nothing is impossible for You. Nothing is impossible for You. Nothing is impossible for You. You hold my world in Your hands."  -Healer by Kari Jobe 

 

I'm sorry for not posting as much as I used to. I felt like I ran out of ideas. I didn't know what to write anymore. So today I just kept praying for revelation from God and I feel that he has blessed me with it. 

 

Repentance. I believe that God has been speaking to me using different people. He used the same words. I feel like he used two different people in two different situations to say the same thing. Repentance is not about saying sorry. It is about really coming to God and regretting what you did. 

 

I know I stated this in another blog but I'll just repeat myself so I can make a point. I got baptized when I was 11 years old. I didn't know a lot about being baptized I just knew that after I was baptized I would be allowed to participate in communion. I had times in my life where I thought I had to get baptized again because I felt that the sin I committed was to great to be forgiven. I thought that being re-baptized was the only way to go. I eventually learned that once I was baptized I would never need to get baptized again. Once I was baptized I was forgiven for my sins of yesterday today and tomorrow. All I needed to do was repent and God would forgive me. 

 

Here is where it gets tricky. In my life I feel like I have done some things that would be considered really bad. When those things happened it was easy to go to God full of repentance because I felt the weight of the sin I committed. When I committed things I considered minor I would just ask God to forgive me. I would not feel an ounce of guilt. This is when I must remember that in God's eyes sin is SIN. Any type of sin still breaks his heart. Any type of sin still angers him. So every time I mess up I must go to him full of repentance. I must plead for his forgiveness and know that I have received it. 

 

I must go to His throne and take off the heavy coat of filth. I should sit at His feet and surrender all my junk to Him so that He may take it away from me. He will pour out His cleansing rain and wash me white as snow. I must come to Him so that He can give me the coat He has called me to wear. One beautiful with all of the characteristics of His Holy Spirit and share it with anyone who might be going through the same situation.